Microaggressions in Everyday Life

     My son is dating a girl from work. As a child, her hand was amputated. She is a cashier at the local grocery store and a good one. However, I have heard many well-meaning customers make comments such as "Wow, look at her go. She's fast!" Truthfully, she is faster at her job than many of the other cashiers, but the implication behind their statements is that she's fast for a girl with one hand. These customers are paying her what they believe to be a genuine compliment, but she does not see it that way. She has reached the point where she just does not acknowledge the comment and pretends she did not hear it.  When my son or I hear these comments, we just shake our heads, and I am sure that we have an expression on our faces that says "That was a stupid thing to say." Out of respect for her, we do not make a scene or say anything. She has become so accustomed to it, she no longer reacts.  

                                                      

     Clearly, the underlying assumption here is that she should be slow or slower at her job because she has a missing hand. As I reflect on her situation, it occurs to me that she may be working harder at her job than others because of her disability. If she worked at the same pace or at a slower pace, she could believe that this will be blamed on her disability. If she works faster and more efficiently than the others, she could be seen as overcompensating for her disability. Either way, she opens herself up to microaggressive comments from customers and co-workers. Although these customers are truly trying to be supportive, they inadvertently put a spot-light on her for her disability. They also take credit away from other cashiers that work just a hard as she does. This causes an underlying tension with other co-workers that she does not deserve or ask for. 

                                                       

     This is what microaggression does among many other things. The victim is sometimes placed in an unwanted spot-light, forced into an unwanted conversation with the aggressor, or forced to ignore the aggressor all-together. In a few instances, she has ignored the person that believes they are paying her a compliment. Sometimes, the person does not pursue the conversation but other times they get offended that she ignores them or does not say "Thank you." Basically, she receives an unwanted compliment and has to choose to respond or ignore and then face the consequences of either. It is an odd predicament that she is placed in daily. 

Cultural Conversations 

I recently spoke with a community member about the community where I work. She relayed a story to me about a young lady that had fallen on hard times and had to move in with her mom. In truth, this person needed help long before she asked for it, and waited until things were too far gone.  We then pondered why she did not ask for help sooner. This is an extremely small, tight-knit, primarily African-American community where many members attend church regularly and everyone knows everyone else. It is the culture of this community to help each other to the best of their ability. The person to whom I was speaking also commented on how she thought the young lady's decision was odd. This is not a wealthy community, and no one would have looked down on her for asking for assistance. This person really emphasized the importance of the community culture of helping each other. For her, culture is defined by how people build each other up, support each other, and help one another in hard times. 

                                                      

Another person I spoke with defines culture as her whole family dynamic, her traditions within the family, her beliefs, values, and her home environment. She narrowed her definition of culture down to the family level. I know this person well, and her family is how she defines herself and her culture. She is part of the dominant culture of middle-class, white, middle-aged American, but she grew up in poverty. Most of her friends grew apart from her, or died of drug and alcohol related deaths. She does not identify with that culture any longer, but because she did not grow up in the dominant culture in which she now live, she feels some cultural discontinuity.  As a result, she has created a tight family culture that is establishing its own traditions, customs, and beliefs. 


Yet another person defined culture in a much broader context. She noted that even though communities are made of different races, religions, and ethnicity there are still commonalities of culture that bind those diverse sectors together. For example, in the area where she works, it is not common to greet each other on the street. People do not make eye contact or speak. They avoid each other altogether because the area is considered dangerous. In the area where I work, people wave, greet, speak, and stop to talk in the middle of the street sometimes to the detriment of traffic. There are very blurred lines between races, ethnicity, and language.  People feel safe with one another and many have lived there for decades. 

Two out of the three people omitted the importance of religion in their own explanations of culture, while the other mentioned the importance of the church in helping with the young lady's financial situation. None of them are religious church goers, but the first person still recognized the importance of the central church (there are only two) to the community. 

I found each of their perspectives to be interesting. One defined community culture, another defined family culture, and another defined culture by the commonalities that bind us together. Each had sound reasoning for their definitions. Because I know each of them well, I can understand where their definitions are coming from. This makes me aware that we are heavily influenced by our family structure, our community structure, and our own observations of both. It would be interesting to have someone observe me for a day and then ask questions about my actions and behaviors to examine why I do things a certain way. 

Family Culture Items 

If my current country were devastated and I had to choose three items to take with me to represent my family culture, I would choose a guitar, a copy of GoldenEye (James Bond movie), and a dog collar.
I would take the guitar because I have grown up with music. My father plays the guitar, and I grew up singing with him in church. We still play occasionally and my husband joins in playing bass guitar.  Growing up, large family gatherings included guitar and piano playing with my aunts and cousins. We played and sang hymns and Christmas carols  We still love to play together but unfortunately, we are spread many miles apart in different states.

A representation of my father's guitar

I would take a copy of GoldenEye because it is the first James Bond film I saw, and I have been in love with Bond ever since. My children and I watch Bond movies together; my oldest and I have had Bond marathons on rainy Saturday. My oldest son, my husband, and I have seen all of the Bond films. I have seen all of them for the past twenty years on opening night in the theater. My boys will be old enough to accompany me to the next one in 2019.

                                                         

I would take a dog collar with all of my dog's tags on on it. I still have the tags from every dog I have ever had for the past 35 years. I have raised my children to love, respect, and appreciate dogs. Our dogs are a very important part of our lives. I would love to be able to take the dog, but given the catastrophic nature of this scenario that might not be a possibility.

My dog! He's much older now.

If I could only choose one of these items, It would be the dog collar. I have never been without a dog and neither have my children. My husband also spent a significant amount of his life with a dog in his home. I truly love animals and especially dogs.  We can not imagine our lives without a dog. The dog collar would serve as a reminder of our love and appreciation of dogs and all of the fun we have had with them, their loyalty, and unconditional love for their people. 

I found it very difficult to choose items to represent my whole family. There were plenty of items that represent each of us individually but not that many the represent us as a whole. We are relatively new as a family as my husband and I have only been married for 4 years. There are many items that he and I discussed that represent us as a couple. There are also many that represent my children and me as a single-parent family. I have older children who are establishing their own lives and independence. Our family culture is rapidly changing with jobs, school, children approaching college, driving, and high school coming to an end. 

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